Best for:
People who are childfree by choice, people who have kids but are interested in knowing a bit more about what their childfree friends’ lives are like.
In a nutshell:
Olive is a successful writer in her early 30s (I think) who is going through some major life changes alongside her three friends, all of whom are in various stages of trying to or having children.
Worth quoting:
N/A
Why I chose it:
I’m in a childfree community and saw people talking about this book, so figured I’d check it out.
Review:
SPOILERS because some of the things that bothered me about this book relate to items revealed near the very end.
In some ways this book reminds me of ‘So Thrilled For You’ in that there are four women and they are all in various different stages of life – Bea has three kids, Cecily is about to give birth to her first child, and Isla is going through IVF unsuccessfully. And Olive has just broken up with her boyfriend of nine years because he definitely wants ‘a family’ (ugh, I hate that family somehow only means kids) and she really doesn’t think she wants children.
Look, there are so few positive representations of childfree women in media that I think folks can sometimes be overly generous with the depictions we DO get. And I certainly don’t want to dissuade artists from putting out more content that represents us, but also its so frustrating when the limited media is just not very good.
First off, Olive is successful in her career. Like, kinda weirdly so. Most people aren’t working at that level, and I suppose everyone assumes childfree people focus on their careers but like, we can be mediocre in the workplace too! She’s also really bad at using her words. It’s frustrating, since she’s a successful writer in the book, but she repeatedly refuses to take the opportunity to tell her friends what she needs to say. And it is framed as something always coming up, and Olive making herself smaller for them, but also her friends aren’t mind readers! Like can you imagine not telling your friends your relationship of nine years ended, and sort of blaming it on them being busy with their kids? I mean its possible but it doesn’t ring true to me.
I also hated that Olive walked on so many eggshells with her friends and would ‘admit’ to them being right about things when no, they were just being insensitive. I get the sense the author was trying not to alienate readers with children or who want children, but it felt a bit like trying to ‘both sides’ situations where that just wasn’t necessary. Also, and this is just me maybe, but does everyone get drunk all the time in real life? Like that just has never been my reality. I now have a sober partner, so I drink maybe twice a year, but well before that I wasn’t opening a bottle of wine every night, or getting trashed on a Saturday just for funsies. That’s so unappealing and it seems odd to be such a focus of one’s life. It feels immature, and seemed like a bit of a subtle way to suggest that Olive is immature and that’s why she doesn’t want kids.
I also absolutely loathes the character Iris who led the Childfree By Choice group Olive visits. She was written as a caricature about what a childfree life is all about. Travel! Excitement! Hobbies! And like, sure, but also it’s just a life, and it feels like a weird pressure to put on people without kids that they have to live these extraordinary lives. Again – parents get to be mediocre in all sorts of aspects of their lives. Childfree people should be allowed that grace as well.
The most spoiler-y bit is probably a bit of stretch for some people, but it bugged the shit out of me, and I’m annoyed with the author about it. So we find out near the end that one of the reasons Isla has been so cold towards Olive (despite Olive being the friend who I’d argue is the most supportive of Isla during her fertility struggles) is because ONE TIME, WHILE DRUNK, Olive said she’d be a surrogate for Isla, and Isla was so upset when Olive shared that she was most likely not interested in having children and included in that discussions of her finding giving birth to be not for her. Literally one google search by the author – or even the character Isla – would tell you that someone can’t be a surrogate if they haven’t already had a successful pregnancy. So Olive COULD NOT ever even be a surrogate for Isla, at least not any time in the next probably three or four years, and it would all depend on Olive having a kid first. Like, nothing about that storyline made sense, and it really bugged me.
What I did like about the book was Olive’s genuine quest to learn more about the judgment and the pain childfree people experience. But even though it was ostensibly a focus of the book, I feel like it wasn’t explored nearly enough.
I guess I thought this book was going to be different than it was, which is why the rating is a three instead of a two – that extra star is because I need to manage my own expectations. I just expected and wanted more from this, since it’s like the only book I can find that ostensible was looking at the childfree perspective.
(Side note: maybe remove that Elizabeth Gilbert pull quote from the cover given her latest memoir …)