If you don’t follow Drew Afualo on TikTok, your FYP is doing you dirty, because Drew is a delight. I mean, for me, anyways. Not so much for the ignorant, the misogynistic, the bullies, the shit talkers. For them? Drew is – or she should be – the absolute last person they hope to see.
And she revels in it, as is obvious in her book Loud: Accepting Nothing Less than the Life You Deserve. The book is rooted in her work on her platform (8 million strong & growing on TikTok), but also serves as both part memoir & part advice column. She manages to weave the three parts together quite adeptly, so that I was definitely left with a new & deeper understanding of both the woman & the activist. Because make no mistake – the work Drew is doing is social justice work:
“I’ve put it into the world as your emotional support guide to help you in your journey toward decentering men.”
“Humor, I realized, was the gift I could share w/every woman and femme out there who was over it, just as much as I was. If comparing these dudes’ teeth to the doors of a haunted house could bring, at the very least, a snap of joy into someone’s day, while possibly having others question why these men have any say in how they feel about themselves, then I would gladly crack jokes all day long.”
“If terrible men are going to disrespect your boundaries, regardless, you might as well come out swinging.”
Drew isn’t using her formidable voice (and signature laugh) to just randomly destroy men on the internet, though some certainly see it that way. I would argue that that is a very surface-level take, and that they should read this book, because Drew is very clear about the feminist intentionality of her work, the community she’s building, & the impact she hopes she is making. She talks about her time as a ‘Pick Me,’ and how she recovered from that stage of chasing after misogynistic men’s approval, a stage of her growth I found particularly surprising. I’ve never really hit ‘Pick Me’ levels of desperation over men, but I’ve certainly been in situations and stages of my life where I was being less than my whole self, in response to/fear of the actions of the men around me, and I found it relatable & inspiring for her to discuss what went into her breaking out of that toxic pattern of behavior, and how she moved into her current attitude towards chauvinistic men & their awful actions. Which, I don’t think it would be an overstatement to claim, are anti-pick-me; a ‘Reject You,’ if you will.
Drew’s voice is in every paragraph of the text, and the book is also available in audio, so you can authentically have that experience, should you choose. The whole book is like listening to your best friend’s older sister tell you stories -> The one who knows which teachers to avoid when you get to high school, and won’t let her sister borrow her clothes, but will show up randomly & drive you both to the mall, on a Saturday, for no reason. Which, considering Drew is 17 years my junior, is quite a trick to pull off. But I’m a big sister, and I recognize the wisdom of one when I hear it.
In fact, Drew is the middle child (of three), a Virgo (and vocal about it), & talks a lot about how one of her biggest wins – her platform – came about only because she lost what she considered her dream job. Her discussions about her family – her breadwinning, hardworking, confident mother; her supportive & professional athlete dad; her actual big sister & BFF, a bit shier that she, but just as kind & caring; and her little brother, who she sometimes takes a lovingly poke at, but what kind of sibling would she be if she didn’t? – really highlight her core values & why she has the inner strength she embodies so clearly in her work. Recently, for example, Drew took a break from her TikTok, and talked openly about how she was struggling with her mental health, and that inner knowledge of how to continue doing the work she feels called to do. I’m sure, in this “must post & keep content rolling 24/7” social media environment, most managers or whatever teams content creators have around them would have had a major issue with that, but I feel certain that Drew’s support system – which mostly consists of her family, immediate & larger, & her fiancé – not only validated her decision, but have been helping her do whatever she needs to feel more like herself in this period of adjustment & recalibration. Here’s how she talks about the women & femmes in her life, the support she finds within their circle:
“Support from women is a gift. It’s a resource in which you can find not only community, but empowerment. It’s a place you go to recharge and remind yourself that you are loved, important, and valid in this world. That’s what it always has been for me, and that’s what I always want it to be for all of you.”
And it is clear that she means what she says, that she hopes for this kind of support and community for the people who follow her, who look to her; For her humor, yes, but also for her kindness, the respect she has for those who are in vulnerable communities, the inner power & outer caring foundations she wants for us all. I feel like her kindness is overlooked & underestimated, sometimes, because of the mocking tone of her videos, but it’s obvious to me, and to others like me, who understand that Drew’s responses are to bullying, they’re not bullying in and of themselves. They’re the clapbacks that misogynistic and prejudiced men earn, but never expect. And I delight in her ability to deal out some in-kind justice:
“The same men only care about me attacking bigots but feel zero remorse for those who get bullied for just existing as someone outside of the very shallow parameters of cis, thin, and white. I do not, and will not ever, feel bad for this man. And neither should you. He’s hurt enough people in life, up until this point, and his hardwiring is faulty. It is not our job, or our responsibility, learn how to rewire him. All that ends up happening, in that case, is that we get electrocuted. What I choose to do instead is recognize that this man is a grown adult with a fully functioning brain, who makes his own choices. And those choices happen to include being a bigot. So as a fellow grown adult with a fully functioning brain, I chose to humiliate the shit out of him for upholding the violent systems of oppression. I highly encourage you all to do the same.”
As she mentions multiple times, her brand of humor, her refusal to let sexists/transphobes/fatphobics/racists etc. exist & operate unchecked is all rooted in the simple idea of respect. That those who are different from the cowardly men speaking (in whatever way) may not realize, in a system set up to center cis-white-heterosexual white men, that they deserve respect, and what’s more, they can insist on it? Is simply an untenable situation to Drew, and her entire platform is geared toward empowering those in marginalized communities to claim that respect, when their safety allows. And often, when their online safety does not? Drew will insist on their due respect for them, in the form of dragging their opponents to the depths of hell, if necessary. It’s a service I’m glad she provides, and an attitude my recovering people pleaser finds near-impossible to emulate. But I’m working on it, and it’s nice to know that Drew, and her community of likeminded crusaders, have our backs in the meantime.
“Fuck being cool and fuck being chill. If the reward for being the coolest girl in the room is a sliver of attention from the world’s most mediocre men then I would happily commit to never being cool and never being chill.”
“Men like this expect you to consistently make you comfortable and prioritize their feelings. And why should you have to? Stop being afraid. When people ask me if I’m ever bothered by being perceived as mean, I always answer the same: I am mean. I have the capability in the world to be mean, just like everyone else. What I think matters most and what is a true measure of integrity, is how we choose to use it. So yes, I am very fucking mean, especially to terrible men, and they would do well to remember that.”
“That’s where I always saw, and continue to see, myself coming in: If no one is going to remind you that you are worth more than all of these awful men combined, I will.”
“In a world where some people are catered to all their lives and indoctrinated into believing that they are superior to others just because of their race, gender, family wealth, etc., sometimes the best response to their behavior is not education, nor is it patience or empathy, two things they receive far too much of and that they don’t deserve from marginalized communities. It’s laughing in their faces. And loudly.”
My copy of the book was provided, free, by Netgalley, but it was so long ago now, that the book is already out & available for everybody.