The Gottmans are one of the few pop science social psychologists that I find useful for one’s day to day relationships. Partially because their work is informed by (but not heavily reliant on) theoretical frameworks, they strike the right balance of informed and practical. For those who don’t know, most of their work is based on years of longitudinal observations of couples in the lab, recording and then coding all manner of behaviors. From this data they’ve codified a series of interventions and theories to predict the future of couples and, more relevantly, course correct when things are veering off.
Notably, and what separates them from the center of research, is that they don’t postulate what underlying patterns cause these outcomes. But for you and me, everyday people trying to avoid snapping at our partners, the why is less important than the what comes of it.
For example: the Gottmans are famous for their observations about “bids for attention.” We all do this–showing a text, looking up from work and trying to smile, sharing a random thought from the day before–but the difference comes in the acknowledgement. Happy couples acknowledge (even if they don’t connect) bids some 80% ish of the time, while unhappy couples only do so 30% ish of the time. As noted, the why isn’t discussed, and as such the fix–for a day, note all the bids for attention that your partner makes–is rather symptom modifying as opposed to disease curing.
But at the end of the day, does it matter why things are better, as long as they are? I’d wager the answer is no, sort of akin to a housing first policy: put out the main fire (sniping at one another, resentment, lack of connectedness-feeling) so that there’s room to do the heavier li
fting.