This book is designed to help parents effectively communicate with “[t]errible two-year-olds, truculent three-year-olds, ferocious four-year-olds, foolhardy five-year-olds, self-centered six-year-olds, and the occasional semi-civilized seven-year-old.” Co-author Joanna Faber is the daughter of a co-author of the well-known How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk. It’s focused on providing skills that parents can use with their young children.
The book is divided into two sections. The first is the “Essential Toolbox” of broad categories of tools, such as tools for handling emotions, resolving conflict, and offering praise. The second section shows how these tools can be applied in various settings and situations, such as the doctor’s office, sibling rivalry, hitting, and shopping. Each chapter for both sections contains examples from real parents who attended Faber’s workshops. There are chapters on modifications for kids with sensory issues, troubleshooting, and “Chapter Five and a Quarter” on conditions in which the tools won’t work (e.g., a sleep-deprived child)
The tools are really helpful. While some might be familiar, such as offering your child choices to help foster independence and a sense of control, others may be new to parents. For example, the idea of “giving in fantasy what you cannot give in reality” in which you and your child fantasize about what they want but can’t have: “Wouldn’t it be nice if we could eat candy every day and nothing bad would happen to our teeth? What would we have for breakfast? M&M’s or lollipops? And how about lunch?” The real life examples were helpful in thinking about how to apply the tools, and I loved that each chapter ends with reminders and important points from the chapter for easy review.
I have employed some of the tools and sometimes they work. I think the main thing to keep in mind is that every child is different. I have a stubborn kiddo, and if I offer choices he doesn’t like, he just won’t answer me (like offering two pairs of pajamas to pick from but he doesn’t want to go to bed). He’s probably a little too young for some of these skills, especially problem-solving, but other just aren’t going to work sometimes. That’s been really important to remind myself of because otherwise it’s easy to fall into the trap of questioning what I’m doing wrong as a parent, when the answer is just that children have individual differences.
Ultimately, this was a really useful book as long as you keep in mind that every kid is different. I’ve photocopied the reminders and takeaways at the end of each chapter for easy reference, and I’m sure that I will continually refer back to them. I just need to remember that it’s not magic.