Ruby Lang does a lot of things well, but one of my favorites is the way she creates women who are “kind of an asshole” and the men who love them. In her novella, I am Trying to Break Your Heart, Natalie Chen used to be an asshole but mostly she is trying not to be one now. Ben Nakamura used to be in love with her and he is trying not to be in love with her again. Nat is much more successful than Ben. Natalie lost her mother to cancer the year before, and now she is unofficially taking care of her sister, Maya. She still has sharp edges, but she’s softer and less guarded.
Nat and Ben were housemates in college who occasionally had sex. Eventually Ben broke things off because he had feelings for her and she wasn’t interested in a romantic relationship. From Ben’s perspective, Nat was much cooler than he was and barely knew his name. From Nat’s perspective, she was hurt, angry, and flailing. She feels badly about the way she treated Ben. It quickly becomes apparent that what ever lack of depth they think their college relationship had, they impacted each other profoundly. Ben based his “unlikable” main character on her. Nat’s 13 year old sister calls him, “the one that got away.”
Novellas can sometimes feel rushed, but I am Trying to Break Your Heart is like breathing – it takes all the time it needs. The air between Natalie and Ben is saturated with feeling and their connection feels like gossamer. Ben and Natalie handle each other so delicately, like one wrong move will slice them open. There are so many lovely moments between them, but I’m going to end with one that Ruby Lang has shared:
His hand was on her back again, warm on a hot evening, and she could feel a pool of sweat growing under where he touched her. She could plant an orchid in that spot, a thousand delicate blooms from the jungle warmth between her skin and his.
CW: Death of a parent and grandparents off page, estrangement from family, feelings of rejection, anxiety, anxiety attack on page.
I received this as an advance reader copy from the author. Mu opinions are my own, freely and honestly given.