Previously on Supernatural…
God and two of his homies visited Abraham, wanting the scoop on the freak show also known as Vegas Sodom. God’s buddies went to check it out and that brings us to today, and to why PattyKates cannot stop screaming.
Patty: I work with a guy named Jeff. He’s super smart and unnaturally patient, namely when I call him and hysterically rant about something either not working or something I have rendered unworkable. He calmly talks the stupid out of me, fixes my issue and we go about our day. Today I will try to channel The Jeff and attempt to remain stoic and maintain low tones whilst unraveling the absolute shit show that is Lot’s tale.
Katie: Y’all. Srsly? There is so much messed up stuff in these few chapters. I know I’m looking at it from a 21st century perspective, but this stuff should never have been okay. It just shows you how endemic sexism is in our society if it permeates religious texts that are thousands of years old.
Patty: Man has sucked since the dawn of, well, man. Buckle up, my lovelies. So the two angel dudes from Chapter 18 make it to the entrance of Sodom and are greeted by Lot, who goes all Lot’s AirBnB Infomercial on them, trying to convince them to hang out at his place rather than venture into the city. They decline his offer and Lot gets super frantic.
“NO. SRSLY YOU GUIZE. YOU WANT TO CRASH ON MY COUCH”. They eventually acquiesce. Later that night, right as everyone is getting ready to count some sheep, the men of the city (evidently ALL of the men in the city) come a-knocking, and it ain’t to sell cookies.
No, they would like to rape the angels. Actually, they demand to be let in so they can rape the angels.
***RECORD SCRATCH***
OK, look y’all: What in God’s name is going on over in Sodom that random strangers can show up at your door asking you to hand over your house guests for raping? And who was Lot’s real estate agent??
“Your new home is in one of the best school districts, is just a few miles from the new Target and boasts brand-new appliances as well as a state-of-the-art security system to keep out those pesky rapists”.
WTF?!
Lot, being Lot, tries to barter with the lusty mob by – wait for it – offering up his daughters for a gang-bang, instead of the angels.
***RECORD SCRATCH***
Katie: I don’t care what the rules of hospitality are. YOU DO NOT OFFER UP YOUR VIRGIN DAUGHTERS TO BE RAPED AND ABUSED BY A LARGE GROUP OF MEN IN ORDER TO PROTECT TWO STRANGE “MEN.” That makes you no better than the assholes that are at the door to begin with. Especially when you take into consideration the fact that these daughters are probably 14 or 16 at most. CHILDREN.
Patty: Well, we’ll soon learn just how virginal and pure of thought these gals are. Still though, WTF?!
The rapey mob will not be deterred and it takes one of the angels using his superpowers to temporarily blind the mob in order to save Lot and his crew. The angels promptly tell everyone in the house to GTFO because it’s about to rain fire in town.
Katie: Also, if this place is so yuck and dangerous, why does Lot continue to live there with his family? It sounds like he was moderately prosperous and able to go to a different city if he chose. This isn’t about gentrification, ffs. This is a place where it is culturally acceptable to gang rape men or women simply because you feel like it. I’d have noped right on out of there.
Patty: Here is an artist’s rendering of Lot’s wife after she’s told not to turn around when fleeing the city:
Once again: Don’t test God, you will fail.
Katie: You’d think that they would know this, being that much closer in time to the Ark, but evidently not. I guess enough begatting and time had passed that the story had lost its power, at least in Sodom and Gomorrah. So they escaped into the wilderness and lived in a cave, completely isolated from everyone.
(completely unrelated side note: check out this fascinating story about people who lived in complete isolation for decades from the former USSR.)
Patty: One fine day, the sisters (Lot’s daughters from the aforementioned rape exchange) were bitching to each other about how their dad would never let either of them marry any of the ‘eligible’ bachelors in the area and how their eggs were shriveling by the second and OH! IDEA! Let’s get dad drunk and take turns doing him so our peeps won’t die out.
***RECORD SCRATCH***
I just. I cannot. W.T.F?!
Katie: Okay, I guess I get the fact that you can be so drunk you were able to perform but have no memory of it. Weird, but okay. But did no one ask where those babies came from 9 months later? WEIRD.
Patty: First rule of Lot Club: don’t talk about Lot Club. Also, I ask myself that every day.
Meanwhile, back in the city of Gerar, Abraham is back to his old tricks, introducing Sarah to everyone as his sister. No, really.
Playing out almost exactly as before, King Abimelech has her brought to the palace and God gets mad. Instead of plaguing, He settles for showing up in a dream and telling the king that he’s a dead man because Sarah is a Mrs.
Understandably flummoxed, the king is like, “DUDE! I haven’t even gotten to first base with her yet! And your boy Abraham told me she was his sister! SHE said she was his sister!”
God is all, “Ya, I know. That’s why I made sure you didn’t hit one out of the park with her. Oh and FYI: Abraham is a prophet. Be a good boy, give the woman back and he’ll pray for you. Otherwise…”
Oh and PS: every single woman in the place is rendered barren until the king does as God says and Sarah and Abraham are half-sibling for reals. So, technicality.
W.
T.
F.
The king hands Sarah back along with gifts and prizes.
Conclusion
Katie: I’m not sure what was so great about Lot that God granted him all of these extra blessings. His actions were HORRIBLE.
Patty: Obedience? Is that a virtue or just a personality trait? I also don’t understand why Lot’s daughters got a pass for essentially drugging and raping their own father. I mean, NOTHING happened to them. A friend of mine suggested that maybe “God already knew what was in their hearts”; like, why bother taking out the trash if it’s already on the curb.
Katie: Maybe only being allowed a relationship with a drunk old man that had no compunction about offering them up for abuse was considered punishment enough. I’d have needed YEARS of therapy to let that go.
Tune in for our next installment. It HAS to be better, right? RIGHT?